


red

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV Second Person, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."Washington Irving
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514216
Comments: 19
Kudos: 44





	red

In the face of overwhelming grief, the mind commits itself to unstable and unhelpful reactions.

Sitting there, the first reaction may be to replay what had just happened in your head; trying to recount your loved one’s last moments in front of you; trying to sear that memory into your brain so you don’t forget it though you know eventually over time, you will. 

You may have seen the loss coming, or it could have come out of nowhere—it doesn’t matter. The desperate grasping of final moments will always happen. There’s the need to remember the last time you saw them alive in front of you, but also the need to remember the last time they saw you in front of them, hoping they understood just how much you did love them and did care because you were _there_.

Then comes the things left unsaid.

There’s the desire to go over all the times you had with them and wonder if you should have said something, or not have said something, or did something, or should have held back something. 

What if you had managed to say something at a different point in time with them next to you, would things have turned out differently?

Would both of you have changed and the loss would have been put on hold for a little while longer? 

Was that one thing you had been holding close to you worth it? 

Would that other person have benefited from what you had to say, but wouldn’t let out of your mouth?

At the time of withholding, your reasoning made sense. Fears of rejection and pain, not wanting to hurt someone yourself, lack of confidence behind your words because you had been told by others that they were wrong and all your feelings were not valid.

But once the person intended to hear those words leaves, the reasons seem superficial and easy to move past. You’re angry at yourself for not having the wherewithal to push past those small barriers and say what should have been said. 

It could have made a difference. 

You had been presented with opportunities before, but the insecurities took hold and you just kept saying “next time” or “later”. It’s easier to say “next time” or “later” or convince yourself it wasn’t important. 

Until you run out of next times and laters. 

You start searching for the rewind button because there has to be one, just to make sure you can get everything out you meant to. But no button exists, and there’s no rectifying the fact some things had been left unsaid. 

It’s a hard truth to swallow. 

Some will say that “they’re in a better place” or “they aren’t suffering anymore” or “they were ready to pass, it’s okay”. And it may be true, maybe the person was ready to pass, maybe the person had been suffering mentally or physically—

“Today is a good day to die” may be fine for the person it applies to, but you’re angry that it doesn’t take into account the people that are left behind. They suddenly have to cope with sudden silence where there used to be life, a familiar voice, and face. 

Then, absurdity descends into your head as you try to catch whatever thought you can, hoping it can be the one that helps you. 

_They’ll just appear right in front of me again. I thought I lost them before but they always came back._

_Let me go back just five minutes and let me do something different._

or

_I want to go where they are, I can’t deal with the silence._

None are helpful, none are viable—and you know that—but it doesn’t help from pleading with whatever universal force may be listening, though you know that no one is. Despite knowing you were completely and utterly alone, sitting on the floor, trying to process what happened, you continue to plea with whoever may have the ability to fix the situation will take pity on you and bring someone back from the dead. 

But no one is on your side, and no one is listening. No one appears before you. 

All you’re left with is the ringing in your ears because silence wasn’t actually silent, the fact that you never got to say goodbye, and you couldn’t process their final words fast enough to tell them that yes, you love them too, and “please don’t leave me”. 

That connection remained unbroken. Some looked at is as a piece of string that wouldn’t break no matter what happened. But for a brief moment, as another flash of anger surges through you, wishing that it would. Maybe it would make things easier. 

It stays unbroken and tugs you in the direction needed to see them again, even if it’s to a place you can’t go. 

That was the most frustrating thing. They went somewhere, but you can’t follow them. 

All reactions to sudden grief happen almost all at once. When you catch your breath and wipe your tears and try to gather yourself, you have the false belief that you are in the clear. You can keep yourself composed. 

That’s when they all come back again like an unrelenting wave that refuses to bring you to shore.

The pleading, the anger, the sadness, and everything in between happens within minutes of each other and don’t plan on taking a break any time soon.

That person who would usually steady you, or pull you to shore, was gone and won’t come back. You have to learn how to swim but it’s not working, and sometimes, your head goes underwater. 

Finally, you are angry at them. You’re angry they left, you’re angry they didn’t properly prepare you, you’re angry they tell you how much they loved you but you couldn’t say it back, because you never had practice doing so. You’re angry they left you in the middle of the ocean without a way to get back to shore, or at least to shallower waters. 

The anger doesn’t last long, but it will come back as the waves keep washing over you as you keep repeating to yourself:

_I wasn’t ready_. 

_I wasn’t ready_. 

_I wasn’t ready_. 

_I wasn’t ready_. 

But they were. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well—that was quite an episode.  
> I have discovered (and three times is the charm) that writing coda for Berens credited episodes are so difficult. I haven't pinpointed why, but they just are very difficult for me. 
> 
> I did attend a funeral for my grandmother on Saturday and found myself actually listening to the priest during mass (ADHD usually causes my mind to wander and priests can be a little dry). The "Today is a good day to die" line he cited because his favorite show was Star Trek growing up, but he commented how it wasn't all that good for the people they leave behind. 
> 
> So as I was struggling with how to approach this fic, I used that as a springboard. 
> 
> This episode was like, 10 times more painful than 12x23/13x01 but I'm very grateful for it.
> 
> Despite the tone of the fic, I am 100% confident that certain things will happen and make it okay in the end (I won't discuss spoilers in here, don't worry lol). 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you're doing okay post-episode. 
> 
> I did something I don't usually do and included multiple frames from the episode. The acting was just too good and too emotional and in this case, I think the writing needed some visual assistance. 
> 
> This is unbetad and lightly edited, written fast and off the top of my head and heart so there may be typos and things like that. If so, please kindly let me know! 
> 
> I tagged major character death bc while he wasn't named, Cas did die (or was taken I guess), and I tagged m/m because like... obviously!
> 
> Thank you for reading  
> <3 Jen


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